Before & After Of An Essay That Made It To HBS

December 20, 2019 :: Admissionado Team

Below you’ll find an excerpt of one of our client’s essays that landed them a spot at HBS. Note: Some changes to personal information have been made to preserve anonymity.

“Briefly tell us more about your career aspirations” (500 characters)

CLIENT’S FIRST DRAFT

My goal is to become Spain’s youngest Minister of Public Works and Transportation and transform the financing and delivery of infrastructure in my country. Three intermediary goals will get me there. First, expand my firm’s infrastructure practice in Southern Europe and become a global expert in infrastructure delivery, especially Public-Private Partnerships. Second, leverage global expertise to serve Renfe as a senior executive or consultant. Next, become Madrid’s Secretary of Public Works, City Planning, and Transportation as a stepping-stone to the Ministry.

CLIENT’S FINAL DRAFT

My goal is to become Spain’s youngest Minister of Public Works and Transportation, and transform my country’s infrastructure by establishing a world-class system of Public-Private Partnerships. This is incredibly important to me as, having lived in Tokyo, I’ve seen how great infrastructure can benefit everyone in society. I’m convinced that great public transport, roads and airports are the key to Spain’s continued development. As Public Works Minister, I’ll be best placed to make that a reality.

WHY THIS WORKS: This candidate blends a real (and very ambitious) dream to bring change to his country with a pragmatic perspective on how he can get there.

To read the rest of this client’s HBS essays, as well as a structural breakdown of why they all work, grab a copy of our “50 Essays That Worked Vol. 4” PDF.

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