Axolotl: Bschool Apps and Self Doubt

AxolotlB-school apps induce neuroticism. I mean higher-than-online-dating levels of neuroticism.

“Am I good enough? This one looks like a good match. What if they don’t like me? There are so many other qualified people out there. What do I say? What if I sound stupid?” And so on.

This whole cycle has been a rollercoaster from anxiety, fear, regret, and existential crisis on one end to excitement, confidence, and optimism on the other.

By far my most common thought since applying has been: “Why didn’t I start planning this application years ago??” At every turn I ask why I never seem to have enough bullet points on my resume or leadership stories to tell.

Of course this is all compounded by the fact that, as far as anyone can tell, you’re judged among your peers. Every school could fill their ranks with Ivy Leaguers from consulting and private equity…so why don’t they? It wouldn’t make for a perspective-broadening experience if everyone had the same perspective.

So as happy as I’ve been with my career on paper, I’m always doubting whether I’m a rockstar among my peer group.

But it’s not all gloom and doom. Applying for b-school makes you confront who you are, what you’ve accomplished, and what you want to achieve. Do I wish I had been more of a gunner and asked for more board seats and started more Kenyan-school-building NGO’s? No question.

But do I think I have a lot going for me and will have a competitive application? Absolutely.

So for now it’s about digging deeper into who I am and why I’m in this process to begin with. I’ve talked to friends, mentors, and family about how they would describe me in a genuine attempt to discover who I am via the people who know me best. And at the end of the day regardless of outcome, this will have been a fruitful use of time.

When not introspecting, Axolotl’s a Finance guy looking for an MBA to make some moves in the Private Equity/Venture Capital world. He’s documenting his MBA application experience every other week – the ups, the downs, the meltdowns, the life lessons…. Follow his journey  here

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